what i wish we would tell people that are new to therapy

A collection of thoughts that I wish someone had directly told me when I first started therapy. I’m sharing them with you in the hopes they may be helpful to you. Please note this is simply my experience, being shared, in the effort to be helpful. As always, take what is helpful, leave the rest.

•   Go to your sessions when you don’t think you have anything to talk about.

When I started therapy I thought I had to stick to the topics that were relevant to my treatment plan only. This set me up for a bunch of issues, notably when I didn’t have something pertaining to my treatment plan to discuss I thought I had “nothing to talk about”. Also, if some major life events hadn’t happened, I thought I would have nothing to talk about.

I thought that it was ‘off topic’ if I was going outside the scope of my treatment plan and therefore irrelevant to my therapist. I also felt some sense of urgency to remember all my goals, all of the time, which is a recipe for more stress honestly. I also felt like I ‘should be’ working toward all of them at once.

Wrong! So wrong.

What I learned later:  My therapist was interested in absolutely anything that interests me because it all allowed her to get to know me better. (In addition to the fact that I was getting to know myself better.) The other underlying thing here is that I had to learn that my therapist truly cared about the issues going on in my life. There didn’t need to be a “big” event, or some success or hard-won victory. Sitting and chatting organically was enough.

Most importantly through this, I learned that not only could I deviate from my treatment plan within a conversation, but that my treatment plan was like a living breathing document. It changed with me. I didn’t have to wait for the predetermined date to change anything or update it. I could add, modify, and delete as I felt it was important and accurate to do so. This is incredibly empowering and relieving.

• It’s okay to take a break from working on yourself.

I got into therapy as a young adult and  I was energized by it. I was lucky enough to connect with a therapist that I really liked the first time around. She got what I was going through and we worked well together. If you’ve ever had this type of experience you know that finding answers and beginning to understand yourself is a powerful (and often a much needed) dose of hope.

That dose of hope and excitement became a huge motivation for me to be introspective, reflective, and growth-oriented. That’s a good thing, right? Not necessarily.

I was nearly constantly viewing myself through a perspective of lack and where-I-was-going-to-be because here wasn’t good enough, and I was not good enough… yet. Bummer.

Result: I ended up not enjoying parts of my life because I wasn’t present, or was overly critical.

What I learned later: While you are not perfect, and are in need of a little work, you are always enough, good, and loved, exactly as you are.

I completely accept that this is a total sideways brain puzzle. I’m giving you a dual circumstance and telling you both are true.  The truth is that you get to decide where you invest your energy, your time, your effort, and your love of self toward growth. No one can determine that for you. Not your parents, your best friends, a treatment plan, or a spiritual guru.

You don’t need to keep striving for something else or getting somewhere in your growth. You get too if you want too. Don’t be afraid to enjoy your life, and yourself while you are growing, and celebrating all that is good in the here and now. I forgot in my pursuit of wellness that I AM well all on my own.

• It’s okay to deviate and try new things to facilitate self-understanding and self-healing.

Running was a great way for me to process emotions when I first started therapy. I also read basically any book I could get my hands on. It helped me to find language to describe things to the people around me. At some point the books stopped being as helpful because I learned what I had needed to from them. Then I got into yoga. Yoga was a wonderful way for me to connect to the subtleties of my somatic life and learn more about my needs. I ended up needing something else, though. I loved both and struggled for a while with why I wasn’t as motivated to do them anymore. It felt like it “should” still be working. I thought I was doing something wrong.

What I learned later: I realized only through my frustration that what I was viewing as a negative is exactly the flexibility and compassion we need for ourselves to heal. We learn to listen. We learn to honor where we are in our lives and what our needs are. A therapist begins to set the stage for that, and we learn to participate in it.

At the risk of sounding totally sentimental and cliché, each of us is so unique that no one single thing/activity will ever be it for us. I learned to find a collection of resources that helped me meet, speak too, and validate where I was at that time. I started exploring writing and music. I tried groups, I tried journaling. I’ve tried therapeutic massage, reiki, craniosacral therapy, coloring, sculpture, and dance. Some of this was guided and done under the supervision of a therapist, and some of it was me adventuring out on my own and exploring.

What works one day may not work the next. Your levels of sleep will be different, the problems in your life will be different, financial situations will change, the people in your life will change, your job may change; etc. All of these factors contribute to what you're focusing on for yourself, the means by which you can support yourself, and what might be helpful at that time.

• You are in charge of your own vulnerability in therapy.

I remember thinking for the longest time that my therapist probably had an agenda, or knew things about me that I didn’t yet know myself. I thought that they were guiding me into an understanding of something they already knew, and I didn’t. I thought she was being ‘nice’ about it. I kept waiting for some revelation of information.

I didn’t take as many risks in being honest and vulnerable because I didn’t think I had too. Therapy felt slow sometimes, or like something was missing. There was something missing- me!

What I learned later: In reality, I needed to take more risks in exploring my own thoughts, emotions, and experiences out loud to collaborate with my therapist and hear their expertise on what is what I was thinking through.

No therapist has all the answers or the magic ticket for solving your problem or dilemma. Therapists are very perceptive but none are mind readers. Also, many therapists are careful not to push their clients to discuss issues before they are ready and so it really needs to be on your terms. Share when you are ready.