redefining our worth
We live in a very interesting, exciting, confusing, and maddening time, don’t we? On one hand, we’ve made huge advancements in technology, connectivity, and health. On the other hand, we are more divided as a species than ever.
The one thing I notice very often around me is the need for people to feel like they’ve won. Whether this is through a conversation of ideas and viewpoints, a debate, a collaborative process, an interpersonal process with a significant or important other, or the actual setting of a competition. We feel the need to win and conquer, above and beyond all else. This blog is born out of a very serious concern I have with regard to this reflex we’ve seemed to develop. I believe part of the issue is our tendency to outsource our self-esteem to externals. This tendency has the effect of drawing artificial lines that need not be there, and only temporarily make us feel better anyway.
What would create a society where outsourcing our sense of self is "better" than aligning with and cultivating my true inner sense of self? I’d like to propose that part of the issue here is a lack of self-compassion. But wait, isn’t self-compassion just self-pity, or a word for self-indulgence, or laziness? No. Let's start to unlearn this idea, and replace it with a new one.
I’ll pull from Dr. Kristin Neff’s work. She defines compassion as the ability to see suffering, to acknowledge that suffering, and the desire to help or ameliorate that suffering in some way. Compassion also involves recognizing our humanness and our innate flaws. Self-compassion is the same principle, directed at the self.
Unfortunately, in our Western society, we have a fairly large misunderstanding about self-compassion. We tend to take a ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ approach. This stiff upper lip treatment of ourselves communicates that we do not deserve compassion from ourselves, particularly if the suffering we feel is something we did. If I don’t prepare well enough for a talk I give and don’t communicate my message like I’d prefer, that’s my fault, right? Why have compassion for myself then? One of the downsides to living in a western culture that promotes individuality and achievement is that we are susceptible to believing we are bad or unworthy if we don’t continually achieve. We feel inadequate, guilty and worst of all 'bad'. News flash: we are all worthy of compassion simply because we exist.
Dr. Mark Learly discusses from a social psychology standpoint two sources of self-esteem: relational value and instrumental social value. Relational value is being valued in your relationships because of who you are. Knowing that people want to be around you, love you, care for you, and respect you regardless of what you do, say, or provide. I liken this to an intrinsic value. Instrumental social value is being valued because of what you can provide, in order to get something that has intrinsic value. In other words, it is a means to an end. Philosophically I find this to be very interesting but on a practical scale, it seems to me this is part of the crisis we are currently having in self-compassion. I believe our sources of self-compassion, and self-worth are far too linked to instrumental social worth.
Dr. Glenn Schiraldi discussed this in his work with self-esteem as well. He notes that the core self is every attribute, embryo, and capacity at birth that everyone has. He likens it to a seed that is complete at its inception and has the capacity for growth at the same time. The core self, according to Dr. Schiraldi, can become covered over or less visible due to an over-reliance on externals for a sense of self. Externals include: energy level, appearance, race, ethnicity, grades, market worth, being right, sickness/health, feelings, car, and the list goes on!
In an effort to move away from this instrumental or external source of value in our society, I’d like to share the following from Claudia Howard:
1. All humans have infinite worth as humans. This means we are born worthy and will die worthy, regardless of what we achieve or do in our lifetimes.
2. Each of us has equal worth as humans. Worth is not comparative. You may be better at me than sports or cooking. This does not negate the fact we both have equal worth as humans.
3. External sources of worth, and our placement instrumentally in our relationships do not increase our innate worth. These can increase our market worth, but our worth as humans is infinite and unchanging.
To be clear, I believe it is not an understatement to say that our society, and all of us, could benefit from intentionally cultivating the values above and living them in our day-to-day life with purpose and meaning. A return to self-compassion for ourselves is a means of developing better mental health, physical health, and spiritual health with ourselves. We also will stand to benefit in the added ways interpersonally with each other.
How do you actually cultivate more self-compassion? Dr. Kristin Neff details in her work that self-compassion is the trifecta and summation of three skills that should be considered as part of an integrated whole:
- Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment - self-kindness involves being kind and considerate of ourselves when we inevitably meet life’s difficulties. People that are able to be kind to themselves understand that life will be hard, we cannot always get what we want, and we may not be our 100% best selves all of the time. They meet these experiences with a tone of understanding rather than self-flagellation. (Hint: How are you talking to yourself when you mess up?)
- Common Humanity: Our frustration of not getting what we want is often met with a subtle and sometimes not so subtle sense of isolation. I mean this to say that we can often trick ourselves into believing “I am the only one this is happening too”. As a shared species, and by definition – being human means that we are vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore a self-compassionate approach is one that recognizes that suffering and inadequacy is a part of that shared species and human experience. This is something we all go through.
- Mindfulness: Meaning we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and the surrounding environment without judging what we find as if there is a ‘right’ way to feel in any given moment.
We, arguably, have more control over our lives than ever. Yet, we are seeing higher and higher rates of depression and anxiety, higher rates of loneliness, and more suicides every year. Is it possible that the society we’ve created has successfully enabled people to feel devalued? As if they have no worth? Perhaps we should focus more on a relational value in the society we are living in now. I hope this blog begins to help you think about what a starting place might be for you in your own personal journey of self-compassion.
In respect,
Cristen