were you parentified as a child?
Parentification refers to the process through which children are assigned the role of an adult, taking on both emotional and functional responsibilities that typically are performed by the parent. The parent, in turn, takes the dependent position of the child in the parent-child relationship, effectively receiving the love, care, support, and nurturing the child would typically receive.
A small degree of parentification can be beneficial to child development, because it helps a developing youth to begin to see themselves as adults. However, this process can become pathological and harmful. Parentification becomes harmful when the tasks become too burdensome for the child (developmentally inappropriate) or when the child feels obligated to take on the role of an adult.
It's important we find a balance of structure and play, responsibility and fun, for children.
There are two types of parentification:
1. Instrumental parentification. This requires the child to fulfill parental duties through the assignment of functional responsibilities, such as shopping, paying bills, cooking meals for the family, and taking care of the general logistics of running a household. This is typically considered the less harmful of the two and is commonly seen in families where one or both parents are unable to perform the logistics of the household due to working or physical limitations. Instrumental parentification can help a child to feel a sense of satisfaction and competence when it is accompanied by parental acknowledgment and support. Again, this isn't an all or nothing concept. It's about finding a balance that is developmentally appropriate.
2. Emotional parentification. This requires the child to fulfill specific emotional and/or psychological needs of a parent and is often more harmful to child development than instrumental parentification. As an example, the emotionally parentified child may be expected to gauge and respond to the emotional needs of the parent, serve as mentor or advisor, or provide crisis intervention during times of distress in the home.
In short, the parents' form of dealing with their own deficits is through their child, and the expectation is that the child "should" do what they want. As a result of this parental expectation, and a developmental "mismatch" with the child's age and maturity level, the child is left feeling responsible and "bad" if they don't do what their parent expects.
Signs you were parentified as a child:
Growing up feeling like you always had to be responsible or, identifying with "I've always been responsible" as an adult now.
Having trouble "letting loose" or playing.
Often feeling 'pulled into' arguments between caregivers or important people in your life.
Often finding yourself becoming the caregiver for others in your life.
Feeling like your efforts aren't appreciated.
Taking care of others feels good to you, even when it's at your expense.
Often being the peacemaker.
Being self-reliant is better than relying on others.
Preferring a high level of control.
Do you resonate with any of these items? Beginning to look at our family relationships can be very daunting. Not only is it hard to feel like we're 'blaming' our parents for something that is happening NOW, but it's also overwhelming to know where to start with this work.
I'm continuing this blog next time with ideas on this exact issue: Where to start healing from parentification. I welcome you to check it out!
If you have your own developed resources, experiences, or ideas you’d like to share openly - please feel free to respond in the comments section below. We can all learn from each other.