healing from parentification
I posted a blog about parentification and how to tell if you were parentified as a child. If you didn’t see that I would recommend starting with that, find it here. For this blog, let’s look at an overview of what healing from parentification entails.
The basic guideposts to healing from parentification is to acknowledge the loss of your childhood you never got, and to give yourself some of those experiences now as an adult. If you've heard the term "inner child" healing this is exactly the work I’m talking about.
Such an interesting name, right? Inner child. It's because often the part of our experience that gets crushed and squelched out as a parentified child, is the playful, fun-loving part. Our natural tendency as children, to explore, have fun, be chaotic, and stir up some trouble, gets snuffed out in the web of the responsibility of care taking.
Children that were parentified are often extremely conflicted about it. Sometimes they are literally told "Oh, you're so wise" or "You're so mature" which feels good to hear. Similarly, being "included" and especially in the world of adults leaves many kids feeling pretty special. Being asked for advice, solace, or practical help, is particularly complicated because we have so little experience at that point but we want to please, so we do our best to fill the role.
Overtime, to focus on ourselves rather than other people feels foreign, uncomfortable, and wrong. Social lives become limited, we miss out on experiences, begin to feel guilty and shameful about that, and the ability to form and keep friendships suffer. Friendships might even feel like work to a parentified child. Anxiety, depression, and overworking are extremely common.
Becoming aware that you have a childhood you missed is the first step toward healing.
Acknowledging for yourself that you missed out on the childhood that you wanted and needed is the first step. Within that acknowledgement we also need to acknowledge that there is a part of us that longs to be able to be free to laugh, to play, and to create a little chaos. Have you ever been jealous of someone that just seems so free, or so capable? That might be your squelched inner child knocking at the door to say hey, I want to do that too! Also, I would encourage you to find language that suits you. You don't need to say inner child if that feels wrong for you. I've heard people use the term little, light side, a pronoun: she/her/him/he/they, or "Little (whatever your name is)". I'd be curious to know what you come up with for yourself!
Spend time getting to know what your inner child needs and wants.
This takes time and admittedly is a frustrating process for a parentified child. If you grew up focusing on others, learning to listen to yourself is completely foreign and may even feel unsafe, or dangerous. Learning to stretch your nervous system to tolerate the discomfort, and sift through thoughts that are complicated, is what a good therapist will help you do. As a general thought to get started with this, I wonder if what you might need is exactly what you didn't get, or longed for, as a youngster? Give it some thought.
Take responsibility for your future.
I recently posted on instagram about this. Accepting responsibility is not synonymous with denying your feelings. There is a common misconception with parentified children that to speak openly to how circumstances impacted you is a waste of time, impeding your ability to 'move on', or is manipulative and/or deflective. I respectively, whole heartedly, disagree. Taking responsibility for our future includes assessing the damage that was done and where we need to plug the holes, and mend the fence. Recognize your feelings around the loss, and accept the responsibility that you are now responsible for being your own hero. You will likely have feelings around having to be your own hero, too. Notice them. Develop a grounding mantra for the overwhelming moments: "I am going to take it from here, I can take care of myself now through this." Note: this is less about doing anything, and more about a mindset to practice embodying.
Take an inventory as a parent + friend to yourself.
This is where we begin to act, as a friend of course, on behalf of ourselves and our little inner child who needs some attention. Consider those holes that need patched, and the fence that needs mended: How can we start to act on this? This will be different for everyone. If you were lacking structure as a child and you never knew what to expect, you might be craving routine now as an adult. Maybe you felt like you had entirely too much on your plate as a child and you need to give yourself some freedom now.
While I have laid out these ideas as "steps" in bullet points, I want to be sure to emphasize this process is exactly that- a process. It is not linear, and never really ends. It just changes over time, and actually resembles a curvy line if we were to plot it.
Finally, find ways to honor your inner child consistently.
Find ways to honor your inner child in small ways every day. This can be through the freedom of trying a new hobby, riding a bike; the structure of a predictable bedtime routine; or honoring your boundaries when you feel completely fatigued.
I'd be curious to know how you get started with this! Please share them, or questions you might have.
Warmly,
Cristen